Fine-Looking Bar Maids, Lipstick Lesbians and Wet, Wet, Wet

Glossop North End 1 - 0 Dunston UTS
Saturday 15th November
FA Vase Second Round
Surrey Street, Attendance: 378

After a couple of months off and with no Latics game this week, I decided it was time to hit the football travelling trail again - by visiting Glossop. Last season, ‘The Hillmen’ finished as F.A Vase runners up - today they played in the same competition against North East side, Dunston UTS. (Before you ask - Dunston is a place in Gateshead, it has nothing to do with the orangutan from the 1996 film ‘Dunston Checks In’)

After an easy enough trip into Manchester, where my eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw that the two young girls stood opposite me on the train were ‘more than friends’, if you catch my drift! Arrived at Piccadilly and then it was then on to Glossop, where on arrival, I had a lovely pint served by the loveliest barmaid of the year so far, in ‘The George Hotel’. Sadly, this is were it all went wrong, as after leaving I somehow took a wrong turn, just as the heavens opened and left me totally piss-wet through! I eventually found my way and into the ground – 15 minutes late!

I got in okay, paid my £6 entry fee and was informed by the turnstile man that Glossop were 1-0 up and had also missed a penalty. Brilliant! I hope that I hadn’t missed the best part of the match, because of a wrong turning. As it turns out – I did. Bollocks!

Surrey Street is a nice ground for this level and there certainly was a good-sized crowd cheering on the home side. The locals were having a bit of banter with some Geordies, who had made the trip in quite a number. To be honest, what with the atmosphere and everything, this tie felt more like a game in the Conference North than the step 6 game that it was.

Glossop looked the better side in the first half, without really threatening the Dunston goal much. They seemed to win the ball quite easily but their final ball wasn’t there. I was hoping this would change in the second half, as there only looked like being one winner – the bloody wet weather!

Half-time came and I had a potter about the ground and found the toilet before any attempt to find some food was thwarted as there seemed to be large queues everywhere. Although I did somehow find myself in the ‘club officials cabin’ and was about to snatch one of the free butties before I thought better of it and made my way out - I didn’t need the hassle of being arrested in North Derbyshire, as well as being soaked to the bone!

The second half was much of the same, but it was Dunston who looked the better side. Cross after cross was launched into the box, but the Glossop defence held out firm. I really wish there was more to write home about, but there really isn’t! Apart from a cross that was headed just wide and an injury time corner which saw every single player in the Glossop box, there isn’t much to tell!

Glossop held out and the majority of the 378 crowd went home happy, whereas I was soaking wet, freezing, hungry and just wanted to go home. I was going to visit Hadfield, the place where ‘The League of Gentlemen’ was filmed, but I thought better of it - it was pitch black now, as well as being cold and wet!

I managed to get a pint in ‘The Star Inn’, taking in a bit of the pointless friendly between England and Brazil, played in Doha, before buggering off home. Thankfully, much like the match that I saw, nothing much happened, as I was left to dry off in peace! No young Lessies to stare at, sadly!

Oh well, at least it got me out of the house!

Surrey Street photo taken from the 'Where's the Tea Hut?' blog

The Yoof of Today

Crewe Alexandra 1 - 0 Wigan Athletic
Thursday 16th July
Pre-Season Friendly
Gresty Road, Attendance: 2063

Roberto Martinez’s first game in charge of Latics didn’t go to plan but as usual – ‘it was a cracking day out, spoiled by the football!’ Okay, so this match was actually played at night, so it was technically a ‘night out’ but there’s no need to stand in the way of an age-old sentence quoted by many Wigan Athletic fans’ down the years!

Crewe’s Gresty Road (or is it Alexandra Stadium?) was the venue and the train was the mode of transport. Crewe is great for trains, as well as being the ‘gateway for trains going north and south’ its also right next to Gresty Road, well that’s what everyone said anyway – its actually a two minute walk further up the street and round the corner!

After a quick livener in The Swan and Railway (quick as in five minutes) its on the choo-choo with what seems like the majority of Latics’ ‘Yoof’ (or ‘teenage fans’ if you’re posh!). There doesn’t seem to be an item of decent clothing or brain cell between them and I feared this would cause me problems later on – and it did.

I somehow managed to avoid paying on the journey (which I believe some people call ‘Jibbing’) not on purpose mind, its not like I didn’t have the money but my defence for this is that I’m off to London tomorrow morning, so Virgin Trains would be getting/robbing a lot more money off me than a poxy £8 to Crewe (I have a railcard, which I paid for before anyone starts!) About half-an-hour after boarding the train, I was enjoying my first beer in Crewe, the ‘Corner Bar’ pub was the host and it looked in fine shape for a pub close to a football ground. Wonder how last that’ll last for?

It was then on to the ground, where I accidently ran into a crowd of the Yoof who were labelling the ground ‘crap’ and ‘not a patch on the JJB’. Two very incorrect statements as grounds like Gresty Road are what football is about, not bloody overpriced and overrated Premier League ‘arenas’ as they are now referred to. God knows what these kids would say if we visit a ground with terracing!

And that is what pisses me off about some of our ‘new’ fans – they don’t have a clue/can’t be arsed to learn our history because contrary to what some other Premier League, armchair fans or ‘Interweb Warrior’ tell you, we DO have one. That’s what I find fascinating about things that I attach myself to. Be it a football club, a person or anything else, I love going back and seeing how something was created and what it went through to be as it is now. Some make fascinating reading, some don’t.

But I tell you what – A club born in 1932, which has to put up with everthing from money troubles, prejustice, sly jibes and perceived lack of support to the top flight club they are today, is what I call having a GREAT HISTORY. Far better than staying in the top division for 100 years and not achieving very much! The saying always goes – ‘only those that have been disappointed will truly appreciate success’. And believe me, Latics have had many ‘disappointments’ over the years!

So back to the match itself, which on viewing the first half - wasn’t really a match! Crewe simply outplayed a Latics side, including Kirkland, Bramble, Scharner, Watson, Kapo and de Ridder. They had the most chances and it was no real surprise as Joel Grant turned in a rebound after Chris Kirkland had saved the striker’s first attempt. Latics’ rallied towards the end of the half but didn’t really create anything of note.

The entire team was changed in the second half, Pollitt, Melchiot, Boyce, Koumas, Brown and debutant Jordi Gomez (or ‘Geordie’ as the idiot Yoof’s were incorrectly calling him) were all brought on and we looked a bit better. It’s worth noting that we didn’t have a recognised striker in the whole squad (okay, maybe Kapo can play there but the man’s not even a footballer to be fair!). I believe young Polish midfield starlets, Tomaz Cywka and Tomaz Kupiz both played upfront on their own.

We pressed Crewe for most of the second half, with their only chance going through a Anthony Elding effort that Pollitt superbly tipped over. It was mostly Latics though, with Koumas showing some of the potential which we know he’s got but have very rarely seen, at least under Steve Bruce. It was Koumas that came mightily close towards the end with a free-kick that just whistled past the post, as most Latics fans’ (and the steward behind me) thought was in. Melchiot also went on a mazy run, beating about four players before his shot cannoned off the post. It just wasn’t going in and Crewe earned a well-deserved friendly win.

Obviously I was a bit disappointed - we had been beaten by a League 2 side after all but looking back, if we had any forwards on the pitch, I’m sure we would have probably won the match. We seemed to have long periods were we kept the ball but there was nobody able to hold it up. Hopefully the incoming Jason Scotland will be able to repeat his goal record he had under Martinez at Swansea. But praise where praise is due - Crewe deserved their win and I can see them being involved in the promotion race at the end of the season. They looked very sharp but that’s no surprise, seeing as they had been back in training for a few weeks whereas we had been back barely a week.

So after spending the entire match surrounded by the Yoof, who despite their shortcomings, were in good singing voice (but sang some of the songs wrong), I escaped to have a couple of more pints in a couple more Crewe hostelries. I popped into ‘The Last Orders’ which wasn’t like Wigan’s version at all, which is a welcome change. Although they had the karaoke on and some Disco Dave was singing ‘The Killers’ I resisted the temptation of throwing my glass at him! Later I popped into The British Lion (not literally, I’m against bestiality in any form – it was a pub!) before getting the train home with the Yoof, who had been at the station all the time, under the watchful eye of the local constabulary.

And can anyone tell me why there were police at the match? It was a friendly, watched by barely three thousand people, so why the need? I can just about understand them being at the train station (well Transport Police certainly, not the Cheshire Constabulary who were holding back the Yoof) but at the ground, it’s totally unnecessary.

The journey back wasn’t great as the Yoof decided to shout at a girl to ‘get her t*ts out, which wasn’t right, seeing as many of the Yoof had never seen a pair, this side of being breastfed. It’s funny once but constantly singing it again and again to just one girl on her own is bang out or order. I believe she scuttled off to another carriage, probably in fear of being mauled by the pre-pubescent teens. They have absolutely no style or class whatsoever and the worse thing is they are representing Wigan.

The train arrives back and I’m relieved to be back and head off to the Boulevard for a few pints, but not before hearing the line of the day from one of the terrible teens who was talking to his mate; ‘Nah, me mam’s picking me up’ - sums it all up really!

The rest of the night is a blur as I have a few in the Boulevard before stumbling somewhere else and then to a kebab shop, where I chat with a nice girl, who wants me to be her ‘friend’ on Facebook. I’m still waiting for the friend request. Later I would stumble into somewhere else but can’t remember much, all this and I had to be up early to go to London in the morning!

So a great start to the season then!

Lost In Beggars and Brews

Southport 0 - 1 Gateshead
Wednesday 29th April
Blue Square North Play-Off Semi-Final First Leg
Haig Avenue, Attendance: 1011

It was always going to be a very interesting trip to watch the Conference North play-off first leg between Southport and Gateshead at Haig Avenue but as always – the football played second fiddle!

I was to make the short train journey to Meols Cop, the nearest station to Southport’s Haig Avenue ground. The walk from the station to the ground was quite simple and I didn’t expect to be met with two many problems.

The train from Wigan was slightly delayed, so as I sat waiting, a chap with a scouse accent came over asking for money. I was sat next to a rather lovely-looking girl, so I wanted to keep face, as you do. After giving him what I had in change, he went on to ask the girl and others waiting at the station for money. Apparently, he had just ‘come from the police station’ and needed some train fare. Me and the girl shared a look and a few words (and that was it - unfortunately!) until the bloke came back. Thankfully the train arrived so I couldn’t tell him to f**k off in front of the girl!

I arrived at my destination in good time but as with all football trips - I get lost trying to find the ground! What looked like a simple route on a map, turned into a nightmare! I eventually found the ground and took my seat in the main stand for the match.

Despite being hidden away, Haig Avenue is a decent ground to visit. I couldn’t be arsed standing, so I sat in the stand, which for this level of football, is very comfortable! The other 3 sides of the ground are made up by terracing, which is where the singing fans stand! The view of the ground is pretty good too and the refreshing sea air was a bonus. It’s just a shame the ground isn’t located nearer to the town centre!

The first half was rather tense, Southport looked rather dodgy at the back and soon this weakness was to affect them as a mix-up led to Gateshead striker, Graeme Armstrong prodding the ball past the home keeper and into the net - after just 15 minutes.

The first half just petered out after the goal, with Southport’s only chance being skied over the bar. I ventured down to the food cabin for a half-time brew, which was awful and didn’t improve my mood one bit (there was only one pub in the area and I had arrived too late to have a quick one and I needed to get to the station right after the match!).

The second half was much better, with Southport on top, as they constantly threatened down the right-hand side. Gateshead though, always looked dangerous on the break and they almost made it 2-0 but the post came to the rescue of the home side.

Southport threw everything at the visitors but long ball after long ball was cleared and the Gateshead defence held firm. There was even time for ex-Latics player, Tony Dinning, to make an appearance for Gateshead, as he came on with about 15 minutes to go. In fact, Gateshead should have had a second late on but McMillan in the Southport goal made a good save after a Gateshead forward was put clean through.

The final whistle went and the home support slumped off. It could have been a lot worse but on balance – Southport should have at least drawn the match. They now face an uphill battle to win through to the final, as they visit the North East on Sunday.

I made my way from the ground but somehow got lost again! Thankfully I eventually found my way and waited for the train back the holy land of Wigan. It was an ok trip but if I bring myself round to visiting Haig Avenue again, it will be an afternoon game and on a weekend! That way I can hop on a train to the centre of Southport and enjoy its fine ‘facilities’!

This wouldn’t be a proper trip if I didn’t drink any ale, so I made sure I had a few in Wigan when I got back! Nothing special - just toasting the fact that I managed to find my way home!

I was left wondering though, if my beggar friend found his way home?

Packed Trains, Streakers, Beers and Chipped Teeth - Just Another Day Out At The Football!

Lancaster City 1 - 0 Bamber Bridge
Friday 10th April
Unibond League Division One North
Giant Axe, Attendence: 249

I had hoped for an epic day out but after a drab first half, I didn’t expect a goal, streakers, winning £5 on a quiz machine and ending my night slipping over and smashing my face on the road!

I was a bit worried that I’ll miss kick off, as I was running late to catch the train. I needn’t have worried though, as the good old trains were running late! I managed to squeeze on a train for the 25 minute journey to Lancaster. Sadly I was stood with a large number of people, who were doing their best to create themselves some space! I’ve never been on a train in India but I suppose this was the U.K equivalent!

I arrived in good time and after a walk around the castle (which is actually a prison that opened in 1196!) I caught strains of some drunken songs. After investigating I found a number of Bamber Bridge fans in Hawaiian shirts! Whether this is something they do on bank holiday games, I don’t know. It was amusing though!

I ended up following them to The Giant Axe and the club’s ‘Dolly Blue Tavern’ social club. The place has a nice set up and is a credit to the club, I drank a pint in record time to take my place on the terraces. The Giant Axe is a good ‘old school’ football ground. It has some covered seating on one side of the ground, with covered terracing all around, apart from the side I was stood on! I cowered beneath the roof of a portacabin -type building for the match.

The game, as mentioned, wasn’t great. Bamber Bridge were easily the better side in the first half, with the home keeper making three brilliant saves. Apart from having a shot cleared off the line, Lancaster huffed and puffed but couldn’t get anywhere near the visitor’s goal. After an uneventful half-time, the second half was much better. The singing Lancaster supporters moved to near where I was for this half and I was impressed as they kept on singing throughout the half. Apparently this was their manager, Tony Hesketh’s, first game back in charge. Apparently he is some kind of legend at the club and he was certainly lapping the attention up!

The home fans continued to back their side with great noise and that noise grew even louder when a shot from 30 yards out was directed into the net via the head of Mark Jackson. The Lancaster defence held out, despite Bamber Bridge looking dangerous at every set piece. There was even was time for a pair of streakers to entertain the crowd! They ran around the pitch before jumping back into the away end! Superb stuff but sadly - they were both men!

The game finished and the majority of the crowd went home happy but for me it was time to hunt for a chippy, what with it being Good Friday and all. A tray of chips later and I went on a pub crawl around the area. I quite enjoyed it and a special mention must go to the ‘Ring O’ Bells’ pub for having an open fire, great beer and fine looking barmaids! I ended my Lancaster visit in some kind of underground bar that described itself as ‘historic’. Sat near me were two student types that were discussing the in-and-outs of the film ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ and how ‘Morgan Freeman is one of the best actors in Hollywood’. I had to get out of there quickly - as soon as I drank up though! It was back to the train station and home.

I had felt a little tired earlier but I brought myself to having another mini pub crawl, ending the night in the Tudor, where I won a fiver on the quiz machine! Not bad considering I only spent a quid! I used my winnings to buy myself some food at the kebab shop (it was now about 1am, so it wasn’t Good Friday anymore!) and made my way home.

A cracking day out was marred as I somehow managed to slip over and smash my face into the road, just 100 yards away from my home! I look like I’ve been in a fight and I’m going to try and book a dental appointment soon – as I chipped one of my teeth! Alcohol may have played a part – but my trainers aren’t the grippiest! So that’s my excuse!

It was still a good day out though – I had a good laugh anyway! Here’s hoping I get my tooth fixed at a price that won’t break the bank!

Cheers to codofthenorth of the Lancaster City Fans' Forum for the match photos!